Relationship Wisdom – Skillfully Disagreeing With Your Partner

March 27, 2012 at 2:36 am | Posted in communication, love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
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Let’s face it: disagreements are a natural component of every relationship. If you are one of those people saying: ‘I just don’t want to argue’ you have to get real. You can work on your style of how you handle disagreement or arguments but rarely (never) will you live in an intimate relationship without any of it.

How well are you at disagreeing with your partner?

Differences are the norm

You might have entered into your relationship looking for someone who is similar to you. Even though you might have a lot of overlap of values, beliefs and life views there are also the differences, which, if you were able to filter them out in the beginning they will become more obvious once the relationship has progressed past it’s initial honeymoon stage. Don’t fool yourself – they have been there all along, you just skillfully, with the help of your hormones, managed to avoid them.

How to deal with them?

There are naturally people who are more easy-going and accepting of differences. Some because they want to do everything possible to please their partner, others because they are not so tightly attached to their own opinions and find it easier to accept another point of view.

The closer however a value is to your core, the more you will be willing to defend it. Think about what is most important to you in life and now imagine someone close to you asking you to change this or saying that this is not right. This will stir up some kind of self-defense in most people.

So wherever you are on the scale, there will come a point where you might want to or have to disagree with your partner. Here are a couple of important points to remember:

1. It is ok to disagree.

Disagreement does not mean that you don’t love the other person, it simply means that you have a different point of view.

2. Acceptance is required.

If you are truly dedicated to your partner, you will need to practice accepting their differences, no matter how big or small they are. Depending on the topic, this might be most challenging and in some cases it might not be possible if the situation at hand is below your bottom line. That’s when you have to seriously rethink your relationship.

3. Communicate acceptance.

One of the most skillful and helpful components of disagreeing with your partner is if you communicate what you understand and accept. This will make your partner feel heard and most probably less defensive.

4. Continue discussion.

Disagreement, when not too heated with emotions, needs to be discussed. If you notice that you get too agitated, ask for a time out and discuss it at a later point in time. Masters of relationship show that they are able to continue talking about points of differences without needing to agree.

5. Find compromises.

For some disagreements you can simply allow them to be, others might need compromises. Remember that a compromise is not always in the middle. For example if one partner wants a child and the other doesn’t you cannot find a middle path.

6. Better to be right or happy?

In some cases you need to think hard about the importance of your position. Is it worth defending yourself?

In the end ask yourself whether the issue is worth more than your relationship harmony or whether you are able to let the problem go. Sometimes arguments do not have the origin in the relationship but in our history, our childhood or our own state of mind.

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Relationship Wisdom – You Need To Change

August 29, 2011 at 5:02 am | Posted in love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
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You need to change!

Wanting to change our partner is a very natural part of any relationship. Having said that, it still does not make it right or achievable. Let’s have a look at this conundrum.

Your values and conditioning

Who you are and what you believe has been shaped by your upbringing, your experiences, your past relationships, your social and economic surroundings, past and present. This is how you come to believe what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’. Based on those values you evaluate the world around you, including the people, places and things.

But isn’t it normal? Continue Reading Relationship Wisdom – You Need To Change…

Relationship Wisdom – Compatibility

August 23, 2011 at 8:07 am | Posted in love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
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Do we fit?

How much should you and your partner have in common? How much are you trying to change your partner? How often do you say: Well, you cannot get everything from one partner? These statements and questions are frequent when I work with clients dealing with relationship challenges. Let’s shed some light on compatibility.

Attraction

There are various different sayings or statements that go with attraction. For example: Continue Reading Relationship Wisdom – Compatibility…

Relationship Wisdom – What Stops You From Having Sex With Your Partner?

July 17, 2011 at 7:51 am | Posted in gender/sexuality, love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
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What is ruling your sex life?

Reading the statistics about how often a couple has sex makes some wonder: ‘What’s wrong with me?’ The fact is that these numbers are not necessarily representative of the whole population. Still, the question remains: What stops you from having sex with your partner?

We used to have sex all the time!

We can find a multitude of reasons why the frequency of intimacy and sexual intercourse in specific usually decreases over the course of a relationship. First of all, it depends on the libido of the people involved, so keep that in mind while continuing to read this article. One reason that applies to all of us is that at the beginning of a relationship, while a couple is filled with ‘honeymoon hormones’ the drive to have sex is the highest. Given that this state lasts anywhere from six to 18 months and then decreases, it makes sense that so does the desire. This reason is based in biology and it is said that it is linked to the average time it takes to procreate and conceive a baby.

Other reasons Continue Reading Relationship Wisdom – What Stops You From Having Sex With Your Partner?…

Relationship Wisdom – More About Differences in Relationship

May 30, 2011 at 1:53 pm | Posted in love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
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Challenges in relationships are perpetual in 69% of cases, according to relationship expert John Gottman. The reason being that we are built in different ways, beyond just about being male and female.

Differences and how to deal with them

The following article will show specific distinctions that might challenge you in your relationship. Think about each set of opposites as being located on a scale with one criteria on one end and the other on the other end of the spectrum.

Looking for similarities versus looking for differences

Certain people will filter the world by looking for ‘sameness’ whilst others are looking for ‘differences’. People who match for differences are also called ‘mismatchers’, which you will recognize as someone who would regularly say no to suggestions or offer the opposite point of view in discussions. A sameness person will attempt to match and agree with people. If you make a suggestion to your mismatching wife make sure to give her a choice between two options.

Screening and non-screening Continue Reading Relationship Wisdom – More About Differences in Relationship…

Relationship Wisdom – 10 Tips On Becoming Master Of Relationships

April 28, 2011 at 12:27 pm | Posted in communication, love/relationship/marriage | 2 Comments
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The following article is a collection of observation that I’ve collected in my counseling practice working with clients. These findings are not based on scientific research but show practical experiences of relationships that worked better as an effect of one or multiple of these tips.

Are you relating well?

Tip #1: Show gratitude

Sounds simple but ask yourself: How often do you show or express gratitude for the things your partner does, says or simply is? The little mundane things that you do for each other on a daily basis mean a lot more if the other affirms them.

Tip #2: Share daily

Couples that make it a practice to have a daily sharing time, where they stop all other activities and simply talk to each other, show longevity in their relationship.

Tip #3: Respect Continue Reading Relationship Wisdom – 10 Tips On Becoming Master Of Relationships…

Affairs – Who Is At Fault?

January 6, 2011 at 1:51 pm | Posted in gender/sexuality, love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
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Affairs are never pretty experiences, when they have to be dealt with in the primary relationship. So who is responsible? Who is at fault?

When Is It An Affair?

An affair, by definition, is a dishonest relationship with someone other than the partner you are in primary relationship with. This relationship usually involves strong feelings, affection, sexual desire, lust or love. It is dishonest because it is usually kept a secret, involves lying or deliberately leaving out details about your whereabouts.

Different people will have various definitions of what an affair is, often to justify their actions. If there is something involving a person of the opposite sex (or the gender you are sexually attracted to) that you don’t want your partner to know, then it is very likely to be part of an affair as it does not adhere to your spoken or unspoken couples agreement.

Emotional or physical

Affairs don’t necessarily have to include sex. There is intimacy between two people long before two bodies even touch. You can enter into a cyber or phone affair without even knowing or seeing the person. ‘We didn’t sleep with each other’ is therefore no excuse if you have had strong feelings, flirtations or other connections that involved dishonesty towards your primary partner.

Couples agreement Continue Reading Affairs – Who Is At Fault?…

How Relationships Are Affected When Communication is Poor

June 4, 2010 at 5:19 pm | Posted in communication | Leave a comment
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Poor Communication?

‘The quality of your communication is directly proportional to the quality of your relationship.’ This sentence says it: when your communication is poor, so is your relationship. All of you who read this article will have experienced or are currently experiencing a relationship affected by poor communication. This article will look at how specifically it can affect the relationship.

Starting with the first affects it has on you personally I will then move to the later affects and also the implication is can have on family and the wider community.

Low satisfaction Continue Reading How Relationships Are Affected When Communication is Poor…

Tips For Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage

May 18, 2010 at 12:25 pm | Posted in communication, love/relationship/marriage | 2 Comments
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Remember to make trust your priority!

Trust in a marriage is an important factor to keep the relationship smooth and satisfying. It gets damaged through what we call ‘trust breakers’, incidents ranging from lack of information, deliberately leaving out details of what has been happening, lying through to deceit and affairs. If you are committed to make your marriage work after such an incident, you must make rebuilding trust a priority. In the following article we will look at ways to rebuild trust.

Building trust

Trust builds up with Continue Reading Tips For Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage…

After They Cheat – How a Relationship Can Survive an Affair

March 26, 2010 at 9:12 am | Posted in love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
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After the Affair...

Affairs can be exciting adventures that can have detrimental effects on the primary relationship, as some readers might well know from previous experience. There is however hope for reconciliation, if both partners do their share of the healing and forgiving.

In my practice I encounter many couples that have been suffering as an effect of an extra-marital affair or another form of ‘breaks in trust’. I am continuously astounded at the resilience couples have shown over the years. This is only partly due to the support I offer them and mainly to their own work and preparedness on dealing with the issue in a way that supports both partners.

Healing emotions

In regards to the past affair, sufficient time for healing Continue Reading After They Cheat – How a Relationship Can Survive an Affair…

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