Relationship Wisdom – Skillfully Disagreeing With Your Partner

March 27, 2012 at 2:36 am | Posted in communication, love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
Tags: , , , , ,

Let’s face it: disagreements are a natural component of every relationship. If you are one of those people saying: ‘I just don’t want to argue’ you have to get real. You can work on your style of how you handle disagreement or arguments but rarely (never) will you live in an intimate relationship without any of it.

How well are you at disagreeing with your partner?

Differences are the norm

You might have entered into your relationship looking for someone who is similar to you. Even though you might have a lot of overlap of values, beliefs and life views there are also the differences, which, if you were able to filter them out in the beginning they will become more obvious once the relationship has progressed past it’s initial honeymoon stage. Don’t fool yourself – they have been there all along, you just skillfully, with the help of your hormones, managed to avoid them.

How to deal with them?

There are naturally people who are more easy-going and accepting of differences. Some because they want to do everything possible to please their partner, others because they are not so tightly attached to their own opinions and find it easier to accept another point of view.

The closer however a value is to your core, the more you will be willing to defend it. Think about what is most important to you in life and now imagine someone close to you asking you to change this or saying that this is not right. This will stir up some kind of self-defense in most people.

So wherever you are on the scale, there will come a point where you might want to or have to disagree with your partner. Here are a couple of important points to remember:

1. It is ok to disagree.

Disagreement does not mean that you don’t love the other person, it simply means that you have a different point of view.

2. Acceptance is required.

If you are truly dedicated to your partner, you will need to practice accepting their differences, no matter how big or small they are. Depending on the topic, this might be most challenging and in some cases it might not be possible if the situation at hand is below your bottom line. That’s when you have to seriously rethink your relationship.

3. Communicate acceptance.

One of the most skillful and helpful components of disagreeing with your partner is if you communicate what you understand and accept. This will make your partner feel heard and most probably less defensive.

4. Continue discussion.

Disagreement, when not too heated with emotions, needs to be discussed. If you notice that you get too agitated, ask for a time out and discuss it at a later point in time. Masters of relationship show that they are able to continue talking about points of differences without needing to agree.

5. Find compromises.

For some disagreements you can simply allow them to be, others might need compromises. Remember that a compromise is not always in the middle. For example if one partner wants a child and the other doesn’t you cannot find a middle path.

6. Better to be right or happy?

In some cases you need to think hard about the importance of your position. Is it worth defending yourself?

In the end ask yourself whether the issue is worth more than your relationship harmony or whether you are able to let the problem go. Sometimes arguments do not have the origin in the relationship but in our history, our childhood or our own state of mind.

Advertisements

Relationship Wisdom – You Need To Change

August 29, 2011 at 5:02 am | Posted in love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
Tags: , ,

You need to change!

Wanting to change our partner is a very natural part of any relationship. Having said that, it still does not make it right or achievable. Let’s have a look at this conundrum.

Your values and conditioning

Who you are and what you believe has been shaped by your upbringing, your experiences, your past relationships, your social and economic surroundings, past and present. This is how you come to believe what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’. Based on those values you evaluate the world around you, including the people, places and things.

But isn’t it normal? Continue Reading Relationship Wisdom – You Need To Change…

Relationship Wisdom – Compatibility

August 23, 2011 at 8:07 am | Posted in love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
Tags: , ,

Do we fit?

How much should you and your partner have in common? How much are you trying to change your partner? How often do you say: Well, you cannot get everything from one partner? These statements and questions are frequent when I work with clients dealing with relationship challenges. Let’s shed some light on compatibility.

Attraction

There are various different sayings or statements that go with attraction. For example: Continue Reading Relationship Wisdom – Compatibility…

Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages and their use in the Workplace

August 16, 2011 at 5:32 am | Posted in communication, love/relationship/marriage, self development/motivation | Leave a comment
Tags: , ,

How are you showing your love?

My friend and colleague Cath Lawrence from Kandula just wrote a great post on exactly this topic: Applying the 5 languages of love in the workplace.

This reminded me of the multifaceted usability of Gary Chapman’s approach. If you want to read more about the different love languages, you can find plenty of my articles about it here (click here). His approach on teaching us how different people show love and how different people feel the love that you’re intending to show them has been an integral part of counselling couples, families and children to understand themselves and each other better.  When I’ve worked with this model with couples I have many times that they come back reporting how it not only improves their relationship with each other but also taught them something about how to relate to their work colleagues, employees, friends, children etc.

Personal Benefit

I also found that Continue Reading Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages and their use in the Workplace…

Memory can be unreliable

July 22, 2011 at 10:34 am | Posted in love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
Tags: ,

Memory can be unreliable.

Wedding memories

Every time we pull out a scene, we fiddle with it a bit before we put it back.
We are constantly altering our memory so that the past won’t conflict with the present.
If, for example, we’re hating our ex-husband now, we might remember the wedding as less happy and might say: ‘He was never the right one anyway.’
Sounds familiar?

Relationship Wisdom – What Stops You From Having Sex With Your Partner?

July 17, 2011 at 7:51 am | Posted in gender/sexuality, love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
Tags: , , , ,

What is ruling your sex life?

Reading the statistics about how often a couple has sex makes some wonder: ‘What’s wrong with me?’ The fact is that these numbers are not necessarily representative of the whole population. Still, the question remains: What stops you from having sex with your partner?

We used to have sex all the time!

We can find a multitude of reasons why the frequency of intimacy and sexual intercourse in specific usually decreases over the course of a relationship. First of all, it depends on the libido of the people involved, so keep that in mind while continuing to read this article. One reason that applies to all of us is that at the beginning of a relationship, while a couple is filled with ‘honeymoon hormones’ the drive to have sex is the highest. Given that this state lasts anywhere from six to 18 months and then decreases, it makes sense that so does the desire. This reason is based in biology and it is said that it is linked to the average time it takes to procreate and conceive a baby.

Other reasons Continue Reading Relationship Wisdom – What Stops You From Having Sex With Your Partner?…

Relationship Wisdom – More About Differences in Relationship

May 30, 2011 at 1:53 pm | Posted in love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
Tags: , , ,

Challenges in relationships are perpetual in 69% of cases, according to relationship expert John Gottman. The reason being that we are built in different ways, beyond just about being male and female.

Differences and how to deal with them

The following article will show specific distinctions that might challenge you in your relationship. Think about each set of opposites as being located on a scale with one criteria on one end and the other on the other end of the spectrum.

Looking for similarities versus looking for differences

Certain people will filter the world by looking for ‘sameness’ whilst others are looking for ‘differences’. People who match for differences are also called ‘mismatchers’, which you will recognize as someone who would regularly say no to suggestions or offer the opposite point of view in discussions. A sameness person will attempt to match and agree with people. If you make a suggestion to your mismatching wife make sure to give her a choice between two options.

Screening and non-screening Continue Reading Relationship Wisdom – More About Differences in Relationship…

Relationship Wisdom – 10 Tips On Becoming Master Of Relationships

April 28, 2011 at 12:27 pm | Posted in communication, love/relationship/marriage | 2 Comments
Tags: , , ,

The following article is a collection of observation that I’ve collected in my counseling practice working with clients. These findings are not based on scientific research but show practical experiences of relationships that worked better as an effect of one or multiple of these tips.

Are you relating well?

Tip #1: Show gratitude

Sounds simple but ask yourself: How often do you show or express gratitude for the things your partner does, says or simply is? The little mundane things that you do for each other on a daily basis mean a lot more if the other affirms them.

Tip #2: Share daily

Couples that make it a practice to have a daily sharing time, where they stop all other activities and simply talk to each other, show longevity in their relationship.

Tip #3: Respect Continue Reading Relationship Wisdom – 10 Tips On Becoming Master Of Relationships…

Relationship Wisdom – Staying Together Because Of The Kids

April 1, 2011 at 9:45 am | Posted in love/relationship/marriage, parenting | 4 Comments
Tags: , , , ,

If you have children and are contemplating separation or divorce you will think twice about the likely consequences for them. Let’s have a look at some of the questions you need to ask yourself.

What are you role modeling to your kids?

Right or wrong

Depending on whom you ask, you will get their personal opinion of what they think is right or wrong. Let’s get this straight: there is no right or wrong in this situation. This is a very personal situation and if there was a clear-cut answer I am sure you would know it. Still, it wouldn’t make your case any easier.

Ask yourself:

  • What do I think about separation/divorce?
  • What are my past memories relating to this topic?
  • Is my concern about what others might think of me?
  • What would I think of me if I were to follow through and separate from my partner, leave the kids ‘behind’?

Children growing up with mum and dad versus single-parent families Continue Reading Relationship Wisdom – Staying Together Because Of The Kids…

Love Languages: 10 Tips For Your Relationship

February 20, 2011 at 6:49 pm | Posted in love/relationship/marriage | Leave a comment
Tags: , , , , , ,

How are you expressing your love?

Based on Dr. Gary Chapman work, there are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. Here are some tips to help you become more satisfied about your relationship using these love languages as a guide:

Tip #1: Fill up your partner’s love tank

Ask your partner: ‘What could I do today that would make you feel loved and appreciated?’ Start making a list of the things that work best for them and you’ll soon have more ideas about their primary love language. Commit to doing what your partner wished for, given you want to and agree to their suggestion.

Tip #2: Listen to your spouse’s criticism Continue Reading Love Languages: 10 Tips For Your Relationship…

Next Page »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.