Grieving the Loss of My Child
September 28, 2011 at 9:19 pm | Posted in grief/loss | 8 CommentsTags: baby, childbirth, death, grief, neonatal death, stillbirth
Having given birth to my twin girls just 4 weeks ago and having had to say good-bye to one of them just two days afterwards, I am experiencing all the facets of grief. This gives me a totally new perspective and a truly personal relationship with what is probably one of the deepest emotions to experience: grieiving one’s child.
I’ve put the following together to help friends and family understand on how to deal with us and our grief:
Wishes of An Angel’s Mum and Dad
- I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby Amya Mirica Hope. Just because you never saw her doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve your recognition.
- I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn’t think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning her. I need to cry and talk about my baby with you, it helps me heal.
- I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me, it tells me you care.
- I wish you wouldn’t think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby and the dreams I had for her are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too, but please understand that it’s not all like that.
- I wish you wouldn’t judge me because Iâm not acting the way you think I should be. Grief is a very personal thing and weâre all different people who deal with things differently.
- I wish you wouldn’t think if I have a good day I’m ok or if I have a bad day Iâm being unreasonable. There is no “normal” way for me to act.
- I wish you wouldn’t expect me to âfeel betterâ in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. It may get easier with time but I will never be “over” this.
- I wish you could tell me you are thinking of me on my babyâs birthday, Mothers Day, celebration times and the day my baby died. These are all important and sad days for me.
- I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. Iâm not the same person I was before and Iâll never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to “normal” youâll stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the ânewâ me, you might even still like me.
Avoid Clichés & Unhelpful Comments
Remember that we loved and wanted THIS baby, Amya Mirica Hope even though we have Ananda Mae Passion with us
- âEverything happens for a reasonâ
- âYou will have another babyâ
- âI know what youâre going through (unless you have experienced a similar loss)
- âI guess itâs Godâs way of taking care of those with problemsâ
- âYou would rather have lost your baby then look after a child with a disabilityâ
- âSometimes these things happen for the bestâ
- âIt wasnât meant to beâ
- “You’re young, you’ll get over it”
- “At least you weren’t farther along.”
- “This was probably a blessing in disguise.”
- “Now you have an angel in heaven.”
- “It was God’s will”
- “At least you have other children”
- âAt least you can get pregnantâ
- âThe baby would have been deformed anywayâ
- âEverything will be fine next timeâ
- âYou can try againâ
Also, donât fill in conversations with unnecessary outside news, including the announcement of a pregnancy or the birth of another baby.
Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.